SHE HAS THOUGHTS: Self-Empowerment vs Agape Love

This morning, as I reached for my phone and began the now-familiar scroll through social media, a post appeared on my screens:

"Love yourself a little extra right now."

The post came from someone presenting herself as a life coach, complete with a "Dr" title with all the authority that often accompanies it.

I've followed her context for some time, and increasingly I've found myself reflecting on the underlying themes that repeatedly emerge. The language is often centred around power, control, boundaries, self-worth, protecting your energy, and cutting people off.

At first glance, much of it sounds reasonable. Some of it is.

There is nothing wrong with self-awareness. There is nothing wrong with understanding our emotions, seeking help when we need it, or taking time to recover from genuine trauma and hardship.

Yet I cannot help but notice that much of modern self-help culture seems to ask a fundamentally different question from Christianity.

The question has slowly shifted from:

"How do I love well?"

to

"How do I protect myself?"

And that difference matters.

The rise of the self

Words that once lived primarily in psychologists' offices have entered everyday conversation.

Mindfulness. Triggers. Energy. Holding space. Mental bandwidth. Boundaries.

Many of these concepts are useful. In the right context, they can help people understand themselves and navigate difficult situations. But like any good idea, they can become distorted when removed from their original context.

Increasingly, there seems to be a tendency to interpret every disappointment, conflict, or difficult relationship through the lens of personal trauma.

To be clear, genuine trauma exists.

Victims of abuse, violence, coercive control, neglect, severe illness, and other life-altering experiences deserve compassion, support, and access to professional care.

Yet not every painful experience is trauma. Not every uncomfortable conversation is abuse. Not every difficult family member is toxic. Not every disagreement is a threat to our wellbeing.

A culture that teaches people to interpret every hardship as damage risks creating something unexpected: a generation that sees itself primarily as wounded rather than resilient.

When self becomes the centre

What concerns me most about some strands of modern self-help culture is not the emphasis on healing. It's the emphasis on self.

Consider some of the messages that have become increasingly common:

"Cut off your family because they make you feel bad"

"Surround yourself with people who feed your energy."

"If someone upsets you, remove them from your life." 

"Your power is yours and yours alone."

On the surface, these statements may sound empowering. But beneath them sits an underlying assumption:

"If a relationship causes discomfort, then leaving is the answer."

There is often little mention of forgiveness. Little mention of grace, patience, sacrifice, love. Instead, negative emotions become the justification for immediate action.

Relationships were never meant to exist solely for our comfort. Every meaningful relationship eventually requires patience. Every marriage requires forgiveness. Every friendship requires grace. Every family relationship requires endurance.

If our response to every hurt is separation, eventually we may find ourselves protected from pain but isolated from love.

The alternate: Agape

Christianity offers a radically different view of what it means to live well. The Greek word agape describes a self-giving love that seeks the good of another person. Not because they deserve it. Not because it makes us happy. Not because they validate us but because love itself is good.

This does not mean becoming a doormat. It doesn't mean allowing abuse, dangerous situations and abandoning wisdom.

But it does mean that love, not self-protection, becomes the primary lens through which we view our relationships.

What Jesus modelled

When we look at the life of Jesus, we find something fascinating. He practised both compassion and boundaries.

He withdrew when necessary - "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." (Luk 5:16)

He taught forgiveness - "Not seven times but seventy-seven times." (Matt 18:22)

He valued family and relationships - "Honour your father and your mother" (Matt 19:19) and "Bear with each other and forgive one another." (Col 3:13)

He exercised discernment - "Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people." (John 2:24)

The difference

The more I observe modern self-help culture, the more I see that much of it revolves around the language of self-empowerment. Protect, prioritise, choose, fulfil.

Jesus mentioned it differently. Love God, your neighbour. Forgive. Serve. Show grace. Seek peace. Set boundaries when necessary but do not allow bitterness to rule your heart. It was not about self-abandonment but to stop self-obsession.

Freedom comes from learning how to love without hatred, forgive without becoming naive, set boundaries without bitterness, and live without making ourselves that centre of the story.

Instead of asking yourself "How do I protect myself?", ask instead "How do I love, while remaining rooted in truth?"

As for me, I almost fell into the path of feeling self-enlightened and ready to cut off people draining my energy. On a quieter reflection, this is also a learning for me, to constantly fight against my natural human thought process to learn to love despite all that my mind considers as "disturbing my peace". I will admit, this challenge exists every single day, not because I'm a goldfish, but because the world keeps telling me that I need to claim my power. It was never my power to claim, it was God's.